White Balloon

Daily Journal of Mahaan, an Iranian-American student residing in USA.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Me, Myself and Mahaan

The letter that I had written for Mr. Bayat, brought me an emotional letter from my cousin. He has been my buddy since childhood and big part of my best memories in Iran are shared with him. We loved cinema and enjoyed it together. Also my passion for film music and piano had a lot of overlap with him. Anyway, he wrote me a nostalgic note about those old days of waiting in the long queues of the Fajr Film festival to get a ticket and watch as much as possible movies. He wrote about my passion for Morricone, etc. And he told me about the concern that he has about both of us: We are missing all of our passion and what we were about. He reminded me about my passion for music and told me not to stop it.

It has been a while that I feel empty from inside. It's a very confusing state that I don't know even what to blame. But there was a morning about 2 months ago that suddenly I asked myself: What am I all about? What is my identity and where is my individualism? What qualities do make me different than the guy next to me? Certainly not my PhD and my research, since I am neither crazy about that work, nor a big shot researcher. Then for a moment, I really missed my teenage years when I had a more defined "self". My friends had a definition that this guy is crazy and passionate for this and that and his life is about those. In that morning I looked at myself and found nothing there. A bunch of random little things here and there with no clear structure.

Certainly relationships have a big role in my problem. Back home, I had more choice to pick the people that I wanted. I had a clear definition of my ideal friends. As I grew up and life became more complicated, the choice of people around me also got more strict and complex. Conflicting priorities came up and as the result the people that I hang out do not share all my interests and my passions get to be pushed into the background. The result, me as a big film fan, don't watch one movie a month! Don't touch the piano once in 3 months! Go on for a week with no music!

On the other side, life and generally responsibilities are also over extended. 15 years ago, when I was crazy for films and was able to watch 40 movies in 10 days period of the film festival, I never had to care that much about the future life of my brother or my brother in law. Then, I didn't care for credit card bills, buying this thing cheaper from Costco, etc. Life was certainly simpler.

Long story short, I miss being passionate about some artifacts like a movie, an artist, one piece of music. I don't want to accept this state as the matter of fact. And I need to wake my "self" up soon.

I close this passage with the news that my all time favorite film music composer, Ennio Morricone is finally coming to US for his first time concert in NYC. Actually, I got quite crazy and spent $150 for each ticket to see his program with Reyhan at a very fine seating. So you see, I still can get a little bit crazy!
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